Will you marry me, me?

The thing I keep asking myself recently is... would I marry me?
I mean, me, myself - would I marry myself, if I was someone else?

I didn't want to start writing about such personal things on here - this was going to be one of my more upbeat blogging attempts, but some days, you just need to tell somebody... even if its to a blog that nobody reads.

For the first time, in.. I don't know. I'm alone. Not in between boyfriends, not slowly letting go of one hand while comfortably playing with another hand, not even flirting. I'm single, solo, companionless, unattached, I'm travelling alone.

It's hard. It's painful. Actually, sometimes it just feels like not existing would be easier than going through this... maybe that sounds silly.
I loved a boy. He made me exist and gave me a reason to want to wake up in the morning. For reasons I can't even touch on, I can't be with him. It's excruciatingly hard most hours of the day to resist making contact, because he still loves me too and wants to make me the happiest woman there ever was. Sounds ridiculous right? he loves me, I love him - it should be simple! but these things never are. And for once in my life I'm trying to do the right thing, instead of the easy thing. but it sucks.

So now I'm left here, alone, and wondering what I'm going to do with the rest of my life now... and keep coming back to the question - would I marry me? and the answer is quite simply, no.

I don't particularly like me at all, and now that I'm alone and have all this extra time to ponder things, that just seems so wrong.
I don't mean to sound all woeful and full of self hatred or whatever - there are plenty of things I DO like about myself, but, would I want to marry me? no. and that's something I really need to work on fixing I think. I don't want to be alone forever.

A Winter's Whinge

First month of Autumn and I'm already sick of being sick.

Last week I was tortured by my unruly wisdom teeth... I never understood the sympathy for those struck down by a tooth ache, but now I do. It's not just a dull aching pain similar to experiencing sensitive teeth and gnawing down on something cold - no, it's a throbbing unrelenting pain, occasionally interrupted by some oh-my-god-I'm-awake sharp searing pain, which suddenly makes you aware of the value of your unappreciated mouth and how much you rely on it.
It hurts to talk, in particular when the swelling makes your cheek feel as though its as thick as a mattress; it hurts to eat, in particular if you need navigate your jaw - and I don't even want to talk about any stray bits of food which has wandered to the 'ouchy side' of your mouth.... I swear I only put white bread in my mouth but suddenly it appears that it was actually sharp pointy daggers I was trying to chew; it hurts to swallow; it hurts to talk; it hurts to cough; it hurts to laugh; well.. you get the picture.

This is the second time in as many months that I've been battered about by my wisdom teeth deciding to crash the party (ie. my mouth, with enough teeth already thank you very much), and it brings with it a week of not sleeping properly, not eating properly, and generally feeling pretty shitty and miserable.
There is light at the end of the tunnel though, it's only two weeks until I have a specialist appointment - and then hopefully he'd get me booked in to get this 'situation' taken care of... sorry wisdom teeth, you're simply not on the guest list and you're going to have to go.

It probably isn't a massive surprise after the week just gone, (which I should point out followed a week of little sleep already - living in a backpackers and attending a work related conference) that come this week I'm crook as a dog with some bug I've picked up. It's just a virus thing, chest infection or something, but it's had me down and out and away from work every day this week (today being Wednesday) which kind of simply sucks. I can't talk without starting a coughing fit, and a coughing fit starts a splitting headache... so I've spent the last 3 days in bed sleeping a ridiculous amount of hours (and then getting shitty when I can't sleep solidly through nighttime).

I have a shitty immune system it seems - Winter should arrive with a members loyalty card for the local doctors waiting room for me, at least that's how it's felt the last few years.

I'm sick of being sick already, and it's not even half way through May.